Life's Short Nuance

The Word Fine

2010-04-03T12:00:00.001-04:00

I was bumbed when I found out there was already a blog post about The Word Fine, but I'll take a kill shot at it anyway.

“Hey, how are you?”
“I’m fine.”
“Fine? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing is wrong. I said I’m fine.”
“…”

Can we form together and release this horrid adjective that punches babies in their sleep, rips the very soul from your body and burns it into ash, slashes your tires, and defines the entire world violent? Please?

“Hey, hon. Do you care if go out with the guys today?”
“Well, we had plans to eat at my mom’s house. But, that’s fine.”
“Oh, well we had been talking about going to this new golf course…”
“It’s fine, really.”
“I can reschedule.”
“No, it is fine.”
“…”

According to Dictionary.com, there are eighteen different meanings of the adjective; just the adjective. Not to mention different meanings for the verb (with and without object), adverb, noun, and an idiom. Seriously, why? With this many different meanings for one word, there is nothing left but puzzlement and ambiguity; ambiguity for God sakes.

“Hey, I just finished painting this. What do you think?”
“Oh, it’s fine. I like what you did with the watercolors.”
“What do you mean by fine?”
“Nothing, it’s fine. I like it.”
“By fine do you mean average, okay, or shit? I don’t understand.”
“No, no. It’s fine, really.”

After reading the blog above, I did come to realize that it is more of a conversation starter than an actual answer. Someone asks you how you are, to avoid embarrassment from a stranger; you say that you’re fine. Clean cut, in and out, finished. In all honesty, I don’t want to know about your marital problems, whether or not you have herpes, or your dog played dead. I don’t even give a shit about the weather. So, fine, there you go. You now know more about me and hopefully more about the word fine. Let's get this shit banned!

Moral of the story: Don't Do Drugs!

The Rule of Three

2010-04-03T08:38:00.003-04:00

There are three very important virtues to raising a family; Safety, Happiness, and Structure. I think, to an extent, that all parents have these same virtues in one way or another. How you implement them, use them, abuse them, and stand them is up to you; this makes you parents. One major problem with this though; these three virtues hate each other.

Think about a magnet. Magnets have complete opposite sides; basically a positive and a negative. If I were to have two magnets and attempt to place the positive to the positive, the magnet will forcefully disagree. They hate one side, but love the other. Now, add a third. Each magnet attempting to live peacefully but hating their opposite side. Push them together, attempting to touch their opposite enemy, now you have The Rule of Three.

Physically speaking, there is only one way to keep these magnets together; tape. Place three magnets on a table, place tape across the top, now you have a standing tower that is forced to coincide. The tape, in this metaphor, is dicsipline.

Dicsipline to keep The Rule of Three together is, arguably, the most difficult job there is. There is nothing more than I want than my kids' happiness. Often times their happiness is dangerous (i.e. jumping on the bed). Often times structure makes them unhappy (i.e. bedtime). These three virtues are going to be the death of me. Welcome to parenting, right?

I think that this is the problem that needs to be solved. The problem, above all, will make me happy. This is not true. This is only the core, the structure of my life that need not crumble. If it were to crumble, well, the rest may as well not matter.

On top of all of this is expectations, however subtle. I do not think that my family, friends, or co-workers actively, or coinsciencly, expect me to do anything for them. This is my job, my responsibility, and my most pleasurable act of my existence.

Expectations can be massive boulders placed atop my shoulders. Most of these are placed there myself, without the help or knowledge of anyone else. This is how I live my life. This is my way of keeping myself honest, keeping myself along the path I laid, and keeping myself there for my family. There are days that these boulders of expectations are too heavy to handle. There are days I just want to drop to the ground and let the boulders pin me, tuck myself under them and hide from the sadness I can inflict on my loved ones if I do not follow through. This is what makes life, life. This is what makes me stronger, the longer I hold these boulders up, the stronger I get.

If there was a book on how to live your life right (I know there are plenty of the like) then everyone would be living happily, eating more healthy, life without war, life without complications, and living life without difficulties. What is the fun in that? I think these difficulties are strategically placed in order for us to learn, live, and survive. What other point would there be to live?

Moral of the story: Don't Do Drugs!

Good God it's Good Friday

2010-04-02T18:47:00.000-04:00

I would consider myself a Christian. In my opinion, there are different levels of Christianity, as there are different religions. I believe in Jesus, God, and the Bible. I do not, however, consider myself sinless. I sin. You sin. We all sin for each other. How, exactly, do Atheists work?

If there is nothing to believe in, what do they believe? Atheism has been around for a long time and now showing your beliefs, or lack thereof, has become easier than ever. Enter, the internet. A place for annonmity, a place to express your opinions, and a place to learn.

I cannot live my life of nuances to no end. If there is no afterlife, what is there? Blank, darkness, vastness, and nothingness? Doesn't sound appealing. Faith seems to be lost in this sea of blankness. If there is no faith - faith not necassarily meaning faith in God or Jesus - then what is there?

As different types of religions go, disagreements come. There will be neverending battles between oceans, nations, states, and individuals. I have faith that one day, or one eternity, that all will balance out; whichever beliefs hold true.

For those devout Catholics, Happy Good Friday; you probably won't eat fish for an entire year. To those Christians, Happy Good Friday; always remember this day. For those Atheists, um, Happy Regular Friday.

Moral of the story: Don't Do Drugs!

F - bomb...

2010-04-02T07:57:00.003-04:00

One word...

2010-03-31T10:35:00.001-04:00

Listen...

2010-03-30T15:45:00.003-04:00

The Sill (Flash Fiction)

2010-03-28T16:28:00.000-04:00

She straddled the window sill. A wet, salty tear dropped from her chin to the backside of her hand. She wiped it away absentmindedly with one hand and swiped at her cheek with the other. Her time over the last year was spent in this same predicament; an emotional split between hard reality and hard consequences. The night tore into darkness as she spun and stroked a keepsake keychain, tumbling from each finger to the next. A small fish engraved on the metal keychain symbolized one small truth that is more difficult to except to some, more than to others; life.

Another crash echoed to her sill from the main floor. That was a drinking glass, she thought to herself, Mothers favorite. The arguing has not seized to end for what seemed to be an eternity. Her Mothers new boyfriend – He could be the one, she would say – was in yet another drunken stupor, fighting and clawing, insulting her life and what it has come to. Only that one turned into two, then to four, and then to seven; each with their own drunken meanness that never seemed to vary. Her Father was long gone, as another tear dropped from her chin and landed on her pant leg, and he was never coming back.

Her state of depredation, plundering food from waste cans or friends dropping dinner left-overs from their own bedroom windows, has sent her into a new realm of sadness. She would drop into her own Elsewhere, eyes distant and mind even further, on the first sign of raised voices; her solace. This window sill she sits, one foot planted firmly on her bedroom floor and the other resting on the roof from the second story, has become her anger; anger to choose what a child should not have to be confronted with.

Finally, after another large crash and rage ensuing, she snatched her backpack from her bedside, shouldered it, wiped yet more tears from her cheeks, thrust herself through the window, onto the roof, down the emergency fire escape ladder, and through the thick of backyard clutter. She would be back – she bit her lip in frustration – at some point, in an hour or three, after she plundered for dinner. She slowly holstered the stray hair in her face behind her ear as she glanced back at the faint light from her window sill. The keychain was still in her hand, tumbling through each finger, and yet another tear dropped from her lash and found a home on the metal. She rubbed in the tear, smiled, and whispered; Life.

Choices (Short Story)

2010-03-28T16:09:00.000-04:00

The woman was scared shitless as she sat on the rooftop, listening to this psycho jabber about strangers. She struggled to keep her composure. There was duct tape slapped around her mouth and rope wrapped around her wrists. Even if she wasn’t bound and gagged, where would she go? The rooftop of a sixty three story building wasn’t built for fast escapes like this situation demanded. Besides, the rifle propped on a slack, homemade stand scared her stiff. The only thought that was circling her head was her husband. Strong and handsome; he would know what to do in this situation. But, no, she was in this nightmare, not him.

“I’m not a bad guy. I have a job and pay taxes. My dreams and aspirations aren’t all that different than any other man. I sometimes see myself part of the JFK assassination, the crosshairs of my rifle on the man’s forehead, completely oblivious to anything but his beautiful wife and the trained sheep cheering and following their shepherd. And that brings us to where we are now.”

A gust of wind blew from the north, kicking up dust on the rooftop.

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Guess What?

2010-03-28T11:15:00.002-04:00

Ladies, you know the feeling. Men, probably more so.

My wife said she was late.
"Late for what?", I respectfully reply.
"Duh", was her only response.

Crap.

I learn all this at work. Work, is well work. I try anything to release my mind from trivialities and welcome any distractions, from work.

This, on the other hand, is not my idea of a "happy distraction". A "happy bomb" is a better word for this distraction and I have nine hours left of self-piting work of guilt/horror/anxiety. My idea of a good day.

I guess I should mention here that we already have three kids, a mortgage, a puppy, and in-laws to already deal with. If our plate is not already full, why not adding to it, no? Yes, no. Let's not go there.

I finally end my grueling shift of what I like to call, Other Happy Distractions; no need for detials.

Now I'm driving home from work, stopping at the store for a pregnancy test and toilet paper, attempting not to pass out and lose control of my vehicle (you've all been there, I'm sure). Pregnancy test and toielt paper. Something is ironic about this but I can't place it.

I make my way to where the tests are shelved and my horror distinctively heightens. I define myself as a secure male. I will, and have, picked up tampons for my wife and I'm not embarassed to do it. Unnamed grocery store, fire the person who decided where to shelve stock. A male walking into an area only designed for woman (tampons, pads, pregnancy tests, hemroid creme, ect.) is only asking for a male-horomone-enhanced-meltdown. My first thought, Where's the camera? That is just an uncomfortable area for a male.

I grab a cheap brand, Answers, and bolt out of the area in search for a more desirable product of purchase; maybe. I'm rocking around the store, rather large, attempting to find said toilet paper. I welcome this thought. However, I can't find them. Being alone, pregnancy test in hand, everyone can see the one item I have to purchase so far. And they know the feeling. Look after look of shock, then pity, then anger, then sadness. How do I place it all? I can't find the damn toilet paper!

Finally, I give up. I find an isle with an employee and swallow my pride; if I still had it at this point. Seriously, this guy had a mullet. Then, as I started with my inquiry, his mullet-sporting-head-judgemental-front-eyes actually judged me. Judged. Me. Granted, I was asking where the toilet paper was with the hand holding the pregnancy test. This only looked too weird. If only someone had taken a picture or video, I would have posted it. Probably not, but maybe.

I hear him chuckle as I scurry away, shoving anger past the large ball of anxiety down my gullet. Snatch the toilet paper, head to the U-scan, averting all eye contact, and haul out.

I get home to kids in bed, thank God, to my wife already in the bathroom applying cream to her beautiful face. She quickly looks away as I walk in, attempting to conceal the cream on her face blinding me, and says hello. She proceeds to tell me the wonderful kids story of the day, and any other day would be more than happy to listen, and I said, "Yea, honey, that's great. Pee on the stick." What can I say, I'm a romantic.

Test comes back negative, I think. Hard to tell sometimes with the devil-red lines; so condescendingly "ha-ha" about it. Now way, there's no second red line. Score!

Moral of the story: Don't Do Drugs!

Also, how would like your significant other to sport this t-shirt to drop the bomb? It should be a T-Rex holding a baby, that would generate the same response from a male.

The Nothingness (Flash Fiction)

2009-08-24T10:27:00.004-04:00

The trees loomed, filling a void that a heart has come to be familiar. The Nothingness of the forest trees whispered their mocking hums of appreciation. Even though they were living organisms, knowing in her heart the trees couldn’t speak, they still chatted on. The pure eeriness was distasteful to her original view of trees – she is still feeding on what they omit – but now can only feel that the oxygen which she inhales is now toxic and slowly eating away at her lungs like leaches.

She cannot remember how long she has been in this dreadful forest. The trees locked arms at their peeks, blocking out any direct sunlight. There was no possible way she could tell where they sun was at in the sky nor which direction she was traveling. A couple of times she had seen a single ray of sunlight break through the leaves. Each time she stopped her trek and she would hover in awe as if that single ray of light was her only way out.

There was no way of telling if there was a way out. The only way to track time was by counting how many times she woke up, remembering that she was still in the forest. This tactic proved more difficult as time went by. The rest of her time was spent in fear, trudging and stumbling across the forest floor in and out of consciences.

She had been followed, or hunted. Her awareness of the sound she had been hearing was getting closer, and closer. As she walked through certain areas of the forest, the trees smothered all outside air, only giving her poison for her aching lungs. The sounds she heard now were muffled, like being inside an airtight bubble. Then, the hunter let out a screech so loud that it drummed out a few droplets of blood, oozing down the side of her ear.

She began to run. Running wasn’t much useful if she didn’t know where she was running to. No matter, she kept running. Her eyes were closed most of the time. She found that, whether her eyes were open or closed, loose limbs and leaves still smacked her face, searing her skin with tiny gashes streaming blood down her dirty face. She forced her eyes tighter shut which brought a vision. The vision was breathtakingly beautiful. In the distance, she felt a throb in her head, pounding and pounding. This didn’t bother her much; the vision was just too beautiful and familiar. She felt a breeze, the warmth of sunshine, and the feel of grass under her bare feet. She couldn’t remember much after that. The light, from the sun she supposed, was so bright and warm that all feelings and visions of the forest life passed within an instant.

An Inspiration (Flash Fiction)

2009-08-23T08:33:00.005-04:00

“I felt inspired, I felt renewed, and I felt single. My marriage has been over for a couple of weeks that lasted eleven years. Eleven years is a long time. No kids. No major expenses; aside from the house, which she took. Hell, she took everything. The one important thing she could not take away is my pride.”

“The inspiration that hit me that day was harder than I realized. I felt like a thirty-five year old child that just won a trip to SeaWorld, all expenses paid. They were paid for me too; paid to the very last drop of single inspiration to be alone.”

“The beach was empty that day. Walking, breathing, and the ocean breeze where inspiration led. I speak of inspiration because I have never felt so empowered by it. I am not a creative man. I don’t write, draw, or paint. I am a construction manager who has just been divorced, taken a sabbatical, homeless for the time-being, and inspired to do nothing! The beach is where I’m at. One place, one inspiration, and only one thing left to do.”

“Living is an emotional thing. See that? I’m no philosopher, as you can tell, but this is a statement of fact; not opinion. Everything you do is powered by your emotions. Every decision you make is decided by the mood you are in. Take for example my marriage; or divorce. Anger was the top emotion of our marriage for the last year or so, which lead me to where I’m sitting right now, writing. No, I’m no writer, but this is one physical thing I would like to keep from my divorce. Maybe I will become everything I declared I am not. Many philosophers believe that when you make a statement, positive or negative, the adverbs don’t exist. The universe automatically doesn’t receive the fax because there are only verbs, nothing more to declare. So, everything I’ve declared I’m not is everything I will become.”

“Baggage is weight, physical or mental. I am ridding of my baggage by living more free. I am leaving all my physical baggage behind and ridding my emotional baggage on this page. My mark has been set and inspiration will now lead. I want to leave my epiphany for all to see so that someone, even if it is one single person, can learn what I have been through and a possible way to rid it. I will do it here, on this wall I sit.”